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Characters: Kanda Yu [

looseleafbook]
When: November 25th
Where: Apartments
Rating: G
Summary: No one's harder hit than them.

Allen. Link. Cross. Mikk. All recent losses, and if Kanda wanted to go back even further, he could count his double as well. Exorcists from their world had flocked to Nesreca, and now, it seems they're all being taken away. Like the past few months and weeks were nothing but a tease, a 'game' of Libitina's. Kanda's always shrugged off loss, always quickly moved on, because that's who he was.

He's had no choice but to change the past year while he's been here. Gained time with Alma, experienced what it would be like if...Alma got to live on, as an Akuma, and as an Exorcist. Possibilities brought to light thanks to alternate universes. He actually got what you could consider, for him, close to Allen Walker. And yeah, they fought. They argued. They clashed and butted heads, like they always have. But it was never as often here. It was more 'swallow your pride and work together.'

But he cared. Losing Allen is what started it, for him.

Restless nights, continuous unease and frustration that he just couldn't find a release for. Then Link left. Then Cross, and shortly after, Mikk. His frustration and irritation at losing Cross was clearly now known by all, whether they chose to acknowledge it or not. It was there as plan as day on the network. Link and Mikk he barely knew, and didn't really care that much for. Just another piece of 'home,' as it was starting to become, while they were around.

It would definitely be nice if they could get a break from this, of people they were close with leaving. But considering their lives, how they've lived, it was probably too much to ask for.

Kanda makes his way inside of the apartments after trying meditation for an hour and a half, and he has to pause as he passes one of the doors by the front door. Room 102...didn't have a name. He just stood there, staring for a long moment. 'Allen Walker' was still very faintly visible if you knew where to look. Now, the newest name, Lenalee's, was wiped.

Oh you had to be fucking kidding him. You have to be fucking kidding.

He didn't know if it was a good thing he wasn't feeling much emotion at discovering another departure. Yeah, he was a little angry. Lenalee didn't deserve to be sent back home, where she was likely being overworked with so few Exorcists left. She could at least rest here, even if she hated it here. He knew that being here was stressful for her, grating on her sanity. He wasn't blind to that. He tried to support here where he could, after all. He was sure everyone else here did, too, in their own way. Save for the Noah, anyway.

...Maybe she really was better off there, though. With Komui. In her proper Home, even if he wouldn't be there.

Ahhh, this sucks. Kanda's shoulders slumped a bit before he continued on to the stairs, climbing up all flights in order to reach Lavi's room. He had simply planned to ask for a spar, considering how hard Lavi had been taking the losses too, but...

Sparring may end up having to wait, once Kanda tells the redhead the news. And as he stood in front of Lavi's door, part of him was dreading it. Might as well tell him now, since he'll find out eventually anyway.

So he lifts up a hand and just. knocks on the door, hoping the other is actually in his room and not out somewhere moping and brooding.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

It might if they had a proper cold room, perhaps a butcher's shop survived enough that they could somehow use it. Lavi had no idea how to use it but technology used back in 1890s wasn't as complicated as what they were faced with today in 2000. A fridge would be nice though if they could somehow afford one and a cord long enough that they could hide somehow along the river.

He'll try and stay as best he can so long as you do the same, it isn't fair at all in his mind that people go back. People that need the "break" that Nesreca offers even if they're still fighting to survive.

(Snowforts!)

He hasn't even had one damn drink yet and already you're harping on him. He spent his money on it and he'll consume it. Or...probably end up giving to Kiriko in case he needs it for medicinal purposes, it's pretty handy that way.

Lavi pauses. Almost like a deer in the headlights kind of look. His face then starts to fall from its carefully blank one into one of tired mourning. "Dammit... We need to stop losing people, Yu. It's not fair!"

--Maybe they could. Make a cold room or something. Somehow. Or just hunt through the Market and see if there is an old butcher place left behind that could be repaired. A fridge....might not reach :|a That'd be a lot of extension cords to steal too. Kanda sadly doesn't have much patience for complicated, he'd probably sooner dent some wall or cause a wall to cave in when he kicks it.

Kanda doesn't plan on going anywhere. He's got more time with Alma here, which he doesn't have at home. While he planned to go look for Allen at home, that can...wait, knowing that being here has absolutely no affact that he's aware of on the timelines back home. Especially when his second Christmas here is coming up.

(ALL OF THE SNOW THINGS!!)

Of course he's harping on you. You're his best friend (and one of the only ones he has here), and he cares. And he'd rather not watch a stupid redhead that isn't Cross drink their ass off. So there.

"Nothing here's ever been fair." Somber. Tired. He's had more than enough of it. He's seen too many people go home in the past year, more than the number that's stayed. If he could he would probably selfishly reach in and bring back everyone from their world that left. Except the Noah, those bastards can stay gone.

Perhaps Lavi will look into it in the library over in Credinta next time he heads over that way. With the way folks are disappearing he hasn't gone over there in a few weeks, he doesn't want to miss anyone else leaving. Doesn't want to have another one go without a good-bye, regardless whether or not they'll remember it wherever their home might be.

But he's glad that Kanda and Alma are staying at least.

One, not stupid. Two, glad that you admit he's your best friend. And three, he's not going to drink his ass off. He was going to just have a drink or two.

"It was fair for a little when it brought us all together. Fair when it gave you Alma..."

That's the problem, though, you can never know who will end up staying or who will be gone by tomorrow. You'll just have to take a chance and go, Lavi. You know if Bookman were here he'd have a field day with slapping you upside the head. If he hasn't managed to croak yet, anyway.

Kanda doesn't plan on going anywhere. Even if he's sent home for a day or two, he'll probably just find a way to claw his way back. He can deal with the restlessness that comes with not fighting Noah and Akuma everyday. Hell, that's what he's been doing for the past year, even. Though he's not as restless as he used to be. Being a hobo for three months definitely helped with that, even if he's had to knock out a few (read: several) perverts along the way.

You are stupid and shutup. He doesn't care if you were only going to have a drink or two, he'd rather you not drink at all. He's just trying to remove the temptation, that's all. It won't even go anywhere except underground anyway. Kanda hasn't had a drink of alcohol since Daisya was killed. No worried there.

"I still have Alma. I've...technically got two Almas, even if one's missing right now." A brief pause. "I'm not going anywhere, Lavi. Even if I have one thing left to do at home, I'm not leaving here."

Lavi'll get use to the idea that he has to keep moving on soon. Right now he just doesn't want to, wants to linger in the memories. But he's better than that, a better student than most realize, all they see is him making friends and never realize that some of them are never really friends. The only ones Lavi cares to call friends are those from home.

At this point the redhead doesn't ever want to go home, all that's waiting for him there is separation from everyone else and he doesn't even know if they're alright. Doesn't know if he'll ever return to their side. Lavi doesn't even care if he's fighting Akuma and Noah again, it's better than what's in store.

Not stupid. And will never ever shut up, you should have learned that by now. Drinking. He's going to do it. Unless you're going to compensate him for the alcohol. That's the only way that you're going to get it and to pour it in the ground.

"I know..." Lavi looks away from him, "It's just...something that might happen."

There isn't anything wrong with lingering in memories. It's just you've got to keep moving forward, too. That's why they're called memories, right? So you can look back on them fondly? But what would you do in the off-chance that everyone went home, Lavi?

Who knows. Only way is to ask, he guesses, though Kanda doesn't know anything. He planned to get Mugen and leave again in search for the stupid beansprout. Who knew he'd go and disappear on him while he was home. He could have resolved his own issues and regrets if a certain someone was still here.

Anything's probably better for them here than at home, now. So few Exorcists now, even with Timothy around there.

Always stupid. And he can still hope you'll shut up one day. No drinking either. 8| Don't make him scold you, man. And no compensating ever. He'll just poor it out.

"Something might always happen, Lavi. We've been fighting with that mentality for years now." Which is true. They've all had a taste of a world without the war, without the Earl, even if they've been unfortunate enough to have to stay with a couple of the Noah, it's just...every single Exorcist that has stayed here has gotten to know what peace was like, what quiet was like. What life without the war was like.

You just can't get out of the mentality that something might happen, is Kanda's opinion. Nesreca has gotten too quiet recently to just hope everyone's just suddenly hibernating. Even he's noticed the pattern by now.

Lavi doesn't want to move forward right now, being reminded that they're gone (perhaps even permanently) is too much right now. His memories of the others are so vivid that they can't even be called memories, sometimes Lavi can go back and relive each of them. Sometimes he wishes he could just live in them, the good and bad ones. But if everyone left and he was alone...nothing would get done.

He doubts the Noah would tell anything if they knew. And he sincerely doubts that Kanda wants to inform him that he's still missing three months later. Or what has happened to Allen and Link. Time...time is so horrible to all of them.

And the time here has made Lavi wish and long for the war, a war that he's hated like all the others. All the lives being taken and yet he yearns to be able to fight again, a life without conflict was simply one he couldn't get used to. "I can't just turn it off... I've been like that since I was six."

You'll have to eventually, Lavi. That's just how life works. He has to get over Alma sometime at home, too. And maybe that's just the curse of being a Bookman's apprentice? Perfect memory and all. Yesterday is yesterday, though, and there's nothing to do about it. Just live today and look forward to tomorrow, whatever it ends up bringing.

... The world would be ending if Kanda were actually saying these things.

They probably wouldn't, they like to hoard information like that. And if he actually knew anything beyond 'Bookman and Lavi have been missing for three months?' Yeah, he wouldn't tell. He'd go looking for him after or while searching for Allen, even. Probably. Time's always horrible. And...it will most likely - no, definitely - run out on him first.

His price for his recklessness throughout the years, after all. He just has one more thing he has to do before he can let himself die. (Sounds kinda familiar, doesn't it? He's always got one thing to do before he can die.)

Kanda doesn't mind being here, gives him more time, in a strange way. But he does miss the lifestyle of an Exorcist, a bit. Kind of a weird thing to miss, after he was finally able to free himself from the Order's tight hold.

"But you can try, can't you? It won't do for you to lose any sanity." Aww look at that, he's worried.

"Eventually" is not "now" and he's not going to choose now as his eventually either. Eventually is tomorrow's horizon or the next day's or the day after that. He's never had people to get over before. Never had people this close. It hurt a lot like it did when he had to kill what Doug had become. All those memories and days relived that did nothing to help his mental stability in the long run.

It would.

It would be nice to know - at least secretly - that he was worried after and being looked for. As it is if just told that they've been missing for three months then Lavi would think that he wasn't wanted at all. That they've gone on without him. And it kills him.

Which is why he loves it here with everyone. He gets to live with them longer than he does at home now.

"I turn it off and then what? Where do I go from there?" He doesn't have anything else.

You need to choose a 'now' sometime, Lavi. And that's just their life, as Exorcists. Once someone falls, they fall and can't be saved. Best to end it yourself before more damage can be done. It's why Kanda immersed himself into anger whenever he fought Alma; he didn't want to think, just saw to it that he could rest. And since Allen decided to jump in you know that didn't end well.

Welp, good thing this is all....in...his head. Or something to that extent.

You would be stupid to think that, you know. It's impossible for someone to stay for almost four years and not be missed. Should he ever find Allen, you're next on his list since the Order is incapable of sparing any of the others.

Everyone does, now. Well, for the ones that are left, anyway. Ones that don't have the time, like the both of them and bitty Alma. Who knows what the world has in store for the older one.

"Survive." Kanda gives a shrug, "I don't have anything else, as it is now. Not really."

Don't want to choose a "now" any time soon, let him be! Dammit. He doesn't normally do this and you know it, let him be selfish this once and sulk. It wasn't a matter of Falling in Doug's case at least. No. Don't know that because none of you talk to him. Or talked in some cases.

He's not supposed to be missed, he wouldn't expect to be but his heart wants to be missed. To hear it allowed would bring a real smile on his face.

"A life like that seems sort of empty..."

He'll never let you be! You're his rabbit, deal with it. He's let you be selfish since people started leaving months ago, it's time to stop dammit. Sulking never brought anyone back. And he's Kanda, you know he doesn't care about others' pasts because it's in the past. Talking about it has never changed anything. So what else is there to talk about? Kanda's the type to offer silent company without question, Allen and Lenalee were the ones that offered to talk it out.

Maybe not supposed to, but over the last year and a half? Both of their hearts grew. Screw the Bookman rules for now, you'll be missed. If they ever made it home, Kanda would want those he's spent the past year plus with him. If that even counts for anything.

Kanda stops at that, turning to walk over to Lavi's window, crossing his arms over his chest. If Lavi looked, he'd notice that Kanda's wearing his emotionless mask, as if saying that hit some kind of nerve.

"Allen said something like that." Allen, not beansprout. Really, Kanda, you've got to stop this weird habit you've formed with Allen's first name. Not that he can be bothered to care, anyway. He's just left wondering... when he had slipped back into that pattern, of just surviving. Hadn't he promised himself, and Allen, that he would do better than that?

Ahh, and he hates people who break their promises... That thought brings a weak tug to his lips. Who knows what Allen would think if he saw him slip back. ...Who knew he even somewhat depended on the beansprout to keep himself straight.

Has he ever mentioned how fucked up this place is? Pretty sure that's the reason. Yeah, it's definitely Nesreca. Nothing to do with his mental state of mind. Nope. Totally not.

Kanda fell silent for a moment after that, just watching the unchanging, barren city. What else could they even do? As Exorcists, their purpose here was absolutely meaningless. There weren't any Akuma, and the Noah have just been...lazy, without the Earl to tell them what to do. At least, Tyki Mikk certainly has. Kanda can't remember ever seeing or hearing from Rhode since she got back.

"What else can we even do? We lack a purpose in even being here." God, it almost sounds... Kanda doesn't even want to think it, because he hasn't. "It's not easy even trying to find projects to occupy ourselves with. There's no war, there isn't even any Noah activity. This place is honestly nothing more than a hell-coated utopia for us." Which was...oddly true, in a sense. More time for people to live life who didn't have it, like Alma and possibly even Lavi. No worries about the Order or missions or Crow or hunting Innocence or Noah or Akuma or beansprouts.

This city just...lacked. And Kanda was at a loss as to what to do, now.

Okay, when did he become your rabbit in particular? Lavi doesn't remember any exchange of ownership from himself to you except in the regards of friendship and sharing that bond with one another. As in you're his friend and he's yours. Allen's disappearance hurt a lot more than anyone else's had, he didn't realize how much he too relied on his little brother. And with everyone else gone...there wasn't a whole bunch left to keep going on for.

Sure there were folks here that they had to take care of but all that Lavi had left really was Kanda. Alma (big and little) weren't his in that sense, he didn't know them regardless of them being from his home. They were Kanda's.

Thank you.

Lavi looks over at Kanda, remaining quiet even after the swordsman mentions their mutual friend and comrade. It's sad that this sort of separation was the trigger to get Kanda to admit that their relationship even existed in that sense. Using his name means that he's risen in your ranks of respect from where he was once not even worthy of knowing his name. Because he'd be gone so quickly.

When it seems as if the Exorcist wasn't going to speak again the redhead's gaze drops down to the bottle in his hand. He moves quietly to where his cups are, pouring a decent amount of liquid in six cups, one for each of those that are gone. A cheers. Lavi then takes a quick swig of the bottle himself but it's no more than a shot that's already in the glasses before him.

"I don't know. Perhaps that's what she wants. To make us go insane wondering what we should even be doing." They had to fight yet there was nothing here to fight. They were weapons laid up after times of war were over and the plow and hoe taken up again, they were the stories told late at night around the fire and left to gather dust. Until perhaps one day they were needed again.

"I want to go home..."

No exchange in ownership, it's just the friendship thing :|b And he can understand Allen leaving hurting, because...well, it hurt him too. If he had just wandered off to get away that's a different story, but he's just...gone. And if Kanda can manage to put on a brave face for the remaining three? There's something left to keep going on for. It's possible, Lavi. Try harder, goddammit.

The Almas weren't really his either, but over time...bitty came to be. Allen was his. Lenalee was his. Lavi is his. Cross was...

Cross was special. We'll just leave it at that.

Kanda does fall silent, just watching nothing out the window until Lavi starts pooring the drinks, and then he's turning over to watch. So it was six, was it? Kanda....didn't bother to keep count. It would hurt more than he wanted it to, but of course Lavi knew. He was...Lavi.

Perhaps one day they will be needed again. Kanda just can't wait forever for that day anymore, even if part of him...kind of wants to. To fight for his friends at Home, not for the Order and because he was Told To, even if that's the reason he fell back on countless times before when questioned.

"Don't say you want to go home, Lavi. That's no better than giving up." Does he have to hit you upside the head for that?

Oh good, that makes him feel a little bit better about things. But the thing with people leaving and it hurting - not just Allen though that had hurt the most - was that Lavi was letting himself make real friends. Even with the ones he was already friends with. So when they left a part of him was missing more strongly than he was used to, the hurt was deeper and he didn't know how to recover from it.

He knew one way actually, to close off and hide in that Bookman exterior. But he had promised himself he wasn't going to numb himself like that, to hide. He'd get through this, he just has to find his own way and his own strength. Give him time.

Six people that Lavi missed. That he wished were here again. No matter the circumstances. Allen, Lenalee, Cross, 'llujah, Mikk, and Timcampy. Others had left as well but these hit hard enough to dent the happy and friendly mask he showed the world. He remembered them all.

He puts the bottle down next to the glasses, moving over to where Kanda is. Threat of being hit or not. He too wants to fight. Perhaps they should both just go outside the next rainy day and punch the ever-loving shit out of each other. Maybe then Lavi could get over it. And they both would have gotten some frustration out at being so useless here.

"I'm not giving up, giving up would be drinking myself in a stupor and doing something stupid that would get myself killed. And I wouldn't care. I just... I might go crazy without something to do, Yu..."

Kanda doesn't either. He supposes that he had let himself get softer during his year plus here. Before he just didn't care about others - at least not as much as he cared to admit. This was definitely new to him, and he realized that when his twin was, what, the first to leave? And then it seemed to all go downhill from there.

They need a class or a how-to book or something, because they both come too far to start regressing. So no, no going into Bookman mode. You know Kanda won't like that at all, screw what the old man has to say.

They all need some time. Baby steps, after all. (Weird for either of them to take, considering how rash they both are.)

It's a dent that can't be filled for either of them, at least for now. They'll just have to make do until they can all find their way back to Nesreca. Kanda doesn't care if it's selfish of them to want them back. He knows, at least then, that people like Allen and Cross can stay here without worry about the Noah (not realyl anyway, with how lazy Tyki and Rhode have become) or Apocryphos.

Kanda won't hit Lavi. It's...oddly comforting to have the other around. And they could do that, definitely. Maybe even invite the older Alma, too. They could have an all-out brawl, even if Alma would have the advantage with his healing. At least then they would all feel better. Maybe they could find a deserted spot far away from the populated and frequented areas of Nesreca, too. Less chance of being found and fussed over.

"Then we'll find something to do, Lavi. There's plenty that we can find to do to keep ourselves busy in this dump."

Seems like they both need to close back up a bit, find a way to make sure it doesn't hurt as much when they leave... It sucks, it really does. But they both can't be the hard-ass, Lavi will start to leave it to Kanda again tomorrow. He knows how to pull out - you just have to pull an Allen and carry on.

Walk on.

And who knew, maybe one day they'd be returned to them. But for now they had to help hide each other's dents, pick up where the other lags and cover. Help each other more than they had been to appear normal.

...Even if he pushes you into a pit of zombies? Really? It's just what the doctor ordered, don't you think? Though there isn't really anyone to fuss over them anymore either, they can doctor their own hurts.

"We can try fixing this place up...restore it to its former glory."

Kanda's got to put on a brave face anyway, for Alma's sake. He's just not sure how much longer he can put up that facade, that everything's fine and so is he. He's not sure how Allen's done it all these years. Kanda never needed a reason to before, but now...

Ugh, this sucks. He's actually starting to hate it here, if only just a little.

They better return, or he'll just have to go out and hunt for Libitina and her freaky-ass master. Kanda doesn't care if it makes him selfish, either. Wants his 'family' back.

...No, for that he'll definitely be hitting you. And since no one's around to scold him for it except Lavi... But yes, they'll have to take care of each other, maybe take time out a couple days a week to just check on one another and offer the other silent company or something. Something comforting without actually having to do much, or...something else that would work for the two of them.

"It'll give us something to do, we'd just need to pick a place and start there. Maybe we can even get Alma to help. Both of them, anyway."

Always sucks when you have to pretend that nothing's wrong, there's no chance to get over things because there's always something to do. Somewhere to go or food to gather. For Lavi the mask isn't all that hard to wear, the same one that Allen wears as he bears the burden, it's just heavily fractured and he's not sure how much longer it'll last.

Someday they'll all be together again, that's what Lavi keeps telling himself. Here and at home. Definitely at home.

It's a good thing they're getting closer then, that way checking up on each other won't be so much of a chore. Though you should know better about Lavi being "silent" company. That and Lavi just don't go together very well when he's being a normal and happy rabbit.

"Do you think they'd do a good job at it?"

He just doesn't want to worry Alma unneedlessly. He's a child, he should have a childhood that the Order never gave him. But Kanda's not sure how to keep his own mask up either. Dealing with loss of this magnitute is definitely...new. Even when Daisya was killed in Barcelona, he had no time to properly grieve. It was shove your feelings down and continue searching for Tiedoll. Hell, now that he thinks about it he probably never properly mourned one of his very few friends that he had in the Order. This will definitely be...fun to try and deal with, especially with Alma around.

That's what Kanda's looking forward to. Pretty much all he has to look forward to.

Definitely a good thing. Hell, something would have been wrong if Allen and Kanda hadn't gotten closer during their year together here, even though they still argued and fought. And Kanda's fine with a chattery Lavi. It's like listening to Alma go on and on about the books he read and the things he discovered and experienced that day, especially before everything went to hell in the sixth lab where they were at.

Just another weak tug of his lips, "Yeah. The little one wouldn't want to disappoint. The older...well, there might be a little competitiveness there, most likely."

That's what they'll give him but they have to make this place suitable for that kind of upbringing first. It almost makes him want to take the kid over to Credinta so he'd be able to go to school and have friends his own age. But they can't. In the mean time they can learn how to deal with their mourning, take turns.

A quiet time with no wars tends to make the bonding experience a bit easier, don't you think? Fighting with any couple was to be expected as well. But Lavi will try to be silent as best he can.

"Do they get along in each other's company even?" He had them scheduled in different classes for that purpose alone.

They're trying, though, so at least it counts a little? Kanda has no problem with taking him to places around both cities. He can watch him better that way so he doesn't get into trouble. But he's been to school in Credinta before, and he liked it well enough, just sucks that he can't take him back. Heh. Take turns with mourning, that feels...a little automated.

It does. Probably how he and Allen managed to get along and even get a little closer. And just go too silent on him, Kanda might think you're shutting down on him.

"I'd think so. Should we try and set something up with the four of us and see for sure?" ..... Man that sounds like a double date.

Any kind of attempt counts, if they don't try then they've given up and that's not acceptable. Not to Lavi. But it might be worth something to look into. Find out what they'd have to do over there in order to send Alma to school. It does but it might be the only way to do it so that Alma has an "adult" that he can lean on.

He won't go too silent, that's a promise. If he does then Lavi doesn't know if he'll get out of it again.

It sort of does, "Maybe a small fishing trip..."

Giving up is never acceptable. And it is definitely something to look into. Something Kanda wants to do for Alma to help him forget that he was nothing more than a test subject at home. And at least between - mostly - himself and Allen, Alma's got the clothes to pass as a normal kid. Well, at least Alma will always have someone to lean on.

Would it help at all if Kanda hit you out of it? Please say yes, you know he'll want to do it if he sees it happen.

Sob. Do not want double date. That just sounds so weird and freaky and jdhgfjhfg. "That couldn't hurt. Shouldn't be too hard to find sticks and wire or fishing poles to steal."

And Lavi's managed to gather up an impressive wardrobe to fit in in Credinta as well, it helps when you have a regular income working as a day-laborer. Not sure if he could pull it off being an only father with a kid as old as Alma, perhaps they'd be better off asking Cross to do it since he's got a base. And his lady-friend might not mind having a kid to baby.

No, that wouldn't help at all.

"Or I could just go buy some."

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/pets that icon

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