niteo_logs | (no subject)

Entry tags:

(no subject)

Characters: Elizabeth Tudor, Open
When: [Forward Dated to:] 19th of May
Where: Her sewing chair, common room thing.
Rating: PG
Summary: Feels. Alcohol. How depressing it is to have all your stories end in "and then they were executed." Also: drinking from mid morning is perfectly acceptable for Tudor-times. Triggery? For executions and general horribleness?

Elizabeth prided herself on her mask. Chipped as it was in places, it did not take much for her to smile and cover almost every ill completely until something made her snap. To breeze by like she was unaffected when otherwise her heart was in her throat. So when it slipped, she was left at the strangest feeling of vulnerability. Today happened to be one of those days, where it felt like it was falling out of her hands again, when for sheer anniversaries sake, her mind strayed from her otherwise tight hold. She couldn’t find the energy to be her usual self, her hair was left free, her dress plain black and as she took up her usual seat for sewing, it felt a physical effort to summon a smile. She longed for company, but had long since lost the ability to ask for it.

Her design for sewing was simple, and selfishly only for her, though she’d promised to do things for others (they were at a bundle in a basket next to her chair). A swan with red edging. The mundane action let her mind drift, and the more it drifted, the more she drank, forgetting to even eat. A glass for her fierce mother, whose bold day it was. Another for her father, and Jane Seymour. Half a bottle for Katherine Howard, another half for her brother and sister. A bitter mouthful for Thomas Seymour and Katherine Parr. It became almost calculated. Dudley, Wolsingham, and the decision she had to make. Duty, her country and loneliness. The horror of being in this place, when speaking to Thor and Loki had made her miss her home so much.

By the time she reached half way through the third bottle some time had passed, she was feeling light headed and she sunk back into the chair. She longed for home, of her ladies to sit with, as they laughed over this Lord or that Lady. She fell into memories, and found solace like that. The sewing fell out of her hands, the red thread unravelling as it hit the ground, the swan missing all but it’s head, she drifted off into a unhappy doze, light as it was. The bottles and her half filled glass by her feet, rather telling proof of how much she had drunk. There was enough left, that someone else could have a glass too, should they want it.

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

He gives her a small and crooked smile, "I have resigned myself to it, my home is not kind to any of its residents no matter what sort of timeline they come from or what version." Lavi lightly puts his arm around her shoulders to give her a brief hug in return. "I suppose it is a bit different when you fight for the world on behalf of the church.

"Treat him as one of your suitors that you have no intentions of marrying? I do not know how to advise you, my lady."

"No, never resign. Hope, you must hope. I spent so many months locked in the tower, they can strip anything and everything else off you. Your title, your wealth, your friends, but until they take your life, no one can relinquish your hope but you. Even if you don't know what you're hoping for any more." Bold with the drink she reached for his face, both hands either side of his face, meeting him the eye and being completely intent on him. Perhaps she was making a fool out of herself, but anything to make such a burden bearable.

At that though, she let go of him, looking away completely, quietly for a long while. "I do not expect you too, fear not... but I couldn't do that either to him. Suitors are politics that like to kiss and touch, treason in pretty packages. They're just a pull to -- to keep this army from moving, that Lord from voting, this country from trade to some other region. Then I push them off, because nothing will come between me and my country again." There was a cold vehemence to her words that wasn't usually, she wasn't looking at him, just away, at the far great country only she could see in her mind. This was what she was, raised to be, Queen, a lion's child. "And until I can find a man that respects that in me, I cannot want for one. They are immaterial wishes. Even here, it's still... there. It's changed me. I don't know when, but it has. I could no more stop it, then you could from recording history."

"I hope to get out, alive with my mentor at that, but with my absence at home there is no reason to think anything other than what I know." He hopes desperately that they've gotten free after those three months and they're working toward getting home. But he doesn't know what fate has in store for him. "I hold out great hope, my lady, but that does not mean I can ignore the road right in front of me."

Even if Elizabeth doesn't want his advice like one of her advisers would give he can still give a few words as a friend, which he's done. "He is not a literal suitor though, my lady, I would not suggest him as such. Just treat him as one minus the kisses and touches. I know that they are a sore subject for you at home. But as much as I like my lady I do not wish her to be married to Cross of all people."

"No, no one can do that, can they?" She settled against him again, easier this time, she was getting used to being affectionate with him. "There is the path you have been given, and only luck and hard work to get you through it. Simple as that." Elizabeth sighed wearily.

"Tch, I'll never marry you don't need to worry. He could want to all he liked, it won't happen. I can't stand the thought of any man owning me, deciding my fate. Better to be single and a beggar then married and Queen." She smirked quietly, cynical as ever.

He's just glad that he can be there to support her while she's intoxicated by her own hand, "I do not believe much in luck anymore, but I do believe in hard work." It's the only thing in his life that has won out though that in itself is lucky for him because some people work hard all their lives and get nothing of what they hope for.

"I think you would like Lenalee then, she does not let even her brother govern her life. She fights alongside Kanda and myself, she is a strong fighter." Though her choice in clothing might...shock Elizabeth more.

"Luck is what keeps me alive, sad as that is. I wish it were hard work. Then I could change some things, could be at least firm and sure, but it's luck and fate that keep me breathing, keep me where I am, the Lord's doing, certainly not mine, and I will never let them forget it." She shook her head, sighing. "Being a brilliant statesman helps of course, but it wasn't hard work that got me so many places. I've so little control." Different times, she supposed, different lives. He was a self made man and in that perhaps there could be no understanding of how her life was run. Divine providence and what that meant wasn't something that was exactly understood unless you were in the place of it.

But that being said, hers was not of the same kind of arrogance that many Prince's had. She was all too aware of the fickleness of fate, and how precarious her position was. That was not something she could express though. To admit it, was weakness. She could openly admit to being less then them, not even privately, not just because she wasn't. Weakness and uncertainty would be the fall of her, and plunge her country back into war and destruction. She could not fail, not ever.

"She does sound like a remarkable young woman. To fight too. I've met a few young women here that do so. Or at least one other."

"If you believe in it then I will not dissuade you, my lady. I cannot believe in such things as luck or religion, but I do believe that you work hard for your country, to stay alive, and to do right by what is in your heart. All that you manage to do is by your strength." It sounds as though she's sobering up at least, "And you have more control than you think, my lady..."

He certainly doesn't believe in divine providence either. That and he knows how royalty are made to live, she's not a figurehead, she gets things done. Even at the risk of losing her crown, country, and life. To him she's fearless in many things.

"Raven you mean? She is on a task force in her own home as well. We used to have several girl fighters here but they have all gone. General Klaud is also a strong woman."

"No, I don't suppose there is much sense in believing those things for you. But some days, like today... how would you deal with the knowledge your father murdered your mother? That your sister had hundreds of people killed, civilians slaughtered. I just had three of the most important peers of the realm murdered in their beds, how would you face it? You cannot imagine what this does to people, to their minds. It drives you paranoid with fear." And it may have been foolish, but she needed to hang onto her mind if she was going to survive.

His words were kinder then she deserved really. She lent up and kissed his cheek, smiling. "Oh Lavi, if the world were made by you, perhaps I would not hate myself so much." She laughed quietly, and it wasn't so false. She appreciated that, even if she knew that sometimes it felt the complete opposite.

"Yes, Raven, and that young maid... ah what was her name again? Lee? She fights too as well. And I would think my lady Klaud was, to have such a title as General." She certainly didn't fit with most of them, she knew that at least. But she was useful in her own way, so that made it bearable.

"You accept that it was done at the time for what they thought best, you had no way of stopping them. If you had tried would you have been here today being the woman you are? We all do what we have to and though we might not be proud and may regret it is done and it may lead to a better future in the end. You are the lovely woman and queen you are today because of the past that shaped you. Would you be so sweet if you had fought your sister for the throne? I do not imagine so."

Blu-blushing at that cheek kiss, "If the world were made by me there would be no wars, my lady. No lies." He hates so much bad in the world even without having a heart.

"Ty Lee fights as well?" He hadn't known that, "She is the only lady general, most Exorcists tend to be male."

It was natural for her, to get closer to him so she could get more comfortable. Leaning against his side as he talked and painted a world in which she knew she didn't belong, not truly with what she was becoming. But still, it was nice to think of. Made glory out of cruelty. She ached for that kind of relief to her guilt, but she knew it wouldn't come. "Would that were enough to warm me. But it isn't. End doesn't always justify means, and it doesn't make it hurt less to know what we will become."

She smiled again, listening to what he said. "You dream of a noble world, Lavi. That requires a noble heart. Please do not ever lose it."

Nodding about Ty Lee. "Yes, she does. Something to do with fire but... I'm not really sure... and most Kings tend to be male too, but here I am."

In a way he's showing how naive he is because he's still a child in some respects even though he may act a man. Even learned in the ways of the world as he is, there are some things he holds that innocence about, "I try to let it warm me but some days I do not feel worthy of still being alive." He thinks of Doug and Lavi wonders if he should have died that day at the hand of his first friend, "I regret many things that I have done since starting this record..."

His mouth quirks upward slightly, "I should not have one to begin with, my lady.

"I shall have to ask her if she would spar with me then. At least they let women rule, many other women have to fight for rights."

She can't help but treasure that. It was something she'd lost in a slow slide. It hurt her strangely, to see those in a past position, to see them become as she was. "Don't we all, that have a duty to fill? But you have one, Lavi, and I have every faith in you that you will do it well."

She shook her head. "No, you should. You must. Don't--" she fumbled at the words, leaning her head back down again, against his shoulder as she tried to find what she wanted to say. "When I make mistakes, people die. Hundreds of people. It's my fault." The tears stung in her eyes, thinking of it. "Every person burned, every boy that is dead on a battle field. But it's because of my heart, that I can learn to be better, and want to. Fear has it's place, of course, I do not want to be beheaded. But I do not want people to die for me, even when I ask them too, and must ask them too." She closed her eyes tightly, trying to block out the boys face that stared at her, and the guilt racked her again.

"That's what I was told, to rule supreme, I must be touched by nothing. By extension, that I must love nothing but my duty." That was all that was safe to love any more. "I don't want to. I suspect... even without you telling me what is to happen. I am going to be alone for the rest of my days, it scares me." That bone grating loneliness without anyone else's affection, especially given what she had. "So have a heart, for my sake. Have a heart when you write of fools like me, my lord. Record us as we are, not as we like to be, all of it. It's the only justice we have for our lives. The only vindication or punishment for that which we suffer for, and make others suffer in kind. You do us kindness, you do everyone us so, every King's whore, every bastard child." She wasn't even sure any of that makes sense, it was just a tumult of thoughts, because she'd spent so much time on thinking what she had to do. Babbling every bit of feeling she had on her duty at him. Nonsense no doubt from the alcohol.

"You'll enjoy fighting with her no doubt, she seems very capable, or at least as far as I can tell. I'm hardly the best judge." She shrugged, distracted slightly.

Ah, but that's life, losing that naivety that Lavi still has. How else can you be happy for death's hand in the end of it all. You'd want to keep living if you did not believe it was your time to go and yet you still had things to do. "I hope that I will do it well, the longer I stay here the more I doubt myself..."

He smiles a little by her vehemency, "You will keep a heart for the both of us, my lady. Even if it is encased by stone, you wish only well for your people and the end of wars. To keep living life without fear of threats on your person. Those too are my wishes. But I cannot have them, I cannot have a heart. A Bookman has no need for a heart." He must be devoid of emotion and thus no heart, because they would make his records impure and opinions and preferences would leak their way in.

It's not the way that he was taught and he couldn't dishonor his mentor so by letting himself have a bleeding heart for every child he saw on the battlefield. To favor one side over the other simply because he has friends there. Yet that's what is happening to him now, he cares for those in the Order. He cares for the people he's met here. He has a heart here but has to lose it at home in time. "I do what I can while I can is all..."

Lavi just lets out a light hum in response.

"Never doubt. This place warps people. You wouldn't recognise me if you saw me at home. I'm more vicious to start with." Both emotionally and physically. "I'm not a person, I'm a position. I'm a 'what'. It's what I was born to be, too. Even if I wasn't what was intended. God chose me for this, and there at least, that means something."

She nuzzled briefly against his shoulder, "don't have it for the people, have it for your duty then. Like I do. How else do you think I make peace with myself for those murders? We do what we have to, because someone must." The words are dry though, thin, and worse she knows it. Knows how frail that is as a reason, but it's the only one she has any more.

"You, my lady, are always recognizable to one like myself." How could you be anyone else. He shakes his head a little, "You are a person to me. And you will always be, even if our times are so very far apart from one another." As per God's wishes well, he keeps his mouth shut.

"My duty forbids it." That is all that Lavi will say on the lack of his heart.

"Is it the arrogance that gives it away?" She laughed into his shoulder, "... and to you perhaps. But perhaps that is enough. It'll be nice to be remembered as a person by someone. I think only my lady Kat is the other person that has that distinction." Since Lady Knowellsy had her skin melted off by the poison. She sighed. "I miss her so much, she always cried when I couldn't, always knew... I'm rather lost without her and Wolsingham, I fear." Thank you for keeping your mouth shut about that, she doesn't believe in very much, but some days it's all she has.

"That might work on other people, Lavi, but I say the exact same thing to my suitors." She slid an arm around his waist, regardless if it was proper or not, then got comfortable again. "And I am always lying through my teeth to them."

"Rather it is my lady's hair that matches her fiery hair so well. To think of you only as a queen is to forget who everyone is for titles that mean little when you are dead. It is the deeds that you do. And your Kat tried to be for you what you could not because of what the world wanted you to be."

He sighs a little but doesn't push her away, arm tightening around her waist in a brother-sister fashion, "I do not lie about that my lady..."

"Does it? All I see is my father's hair. Means my mother wasn't a whore." Rubbing her forehead, she tried to clear it a little more. "That's chasing your tail, Lavi. For without the title, I am the same as every other man or woman. It's what I do with the title that makes me notable." She smiled weakly, thinking about Kat. "She screamed so loud when I thought they were going to take me to be executed. I never thought anyone would beg for my life like that. I do not deserve such devotion, but I seem to have it anyway. I just hope I do not fail that..." That would be her greatest fear, worse then getting married, or being executed, was failing that trust.

"And I do not lie about my duty being the true matter of my heart. It just happens to be a convenient excuse. Duty is so... selfish. Sometimes."

"You do not need a title of all things to be a queen." You'd probably carry yourself like one without it. But Lavi's glad that she's able to do good for her country by being the "title" like they see her as.

"She was devoted because she knew you as a person... Wanted to see you live because of it, not because she wanted you to be queen." It might not have been a primary reason anyway.

Lavi has no answer for this, he simply has no heart.

She needed to get up, she knew. Needed to get off him, he wasn't a pillow, for God's sake. But she'd missed this. Of having someone properly close. Even if it wasn't Dudley, or Kat, or any of the others. It was weakness to want to be held, she knew that.

But she was curious then. If he had no feelings... "... if you do not care for anyone, why should I believe any of what you say to comfort me now? If you do not have a heart, you cannot understand this burden even slightly, because it is a burden of the heart. How am I supposed to trust you, Lavi?"

Elizabeth peered up at him, frowning slightly.

For the moment he'd willingly be her leaning post if she needed him to be, she'd certainly need one to get up the stairs. But perhaps the nap that she took and their quiet talk had sobered her up enough. He quiets a little, looking away from her.

"I have one...a heart...from this record now. I care about the people I work with, even the ones that drive me mad sometimes." He sighs and runs a hand through his hair, "Trust... I don't know. I can't tell you that, only you can decide. It's not like I'll just leave everyone here and go my own way."

"Then I guess that is something..."

She didn't really know what to say to all that. If he was confused, she was probably confusing him more. Especially if she was so grand a historical figure as everyone made out to be, then he probably was supposed to be recording her. He'd gotten upset with her snapping at him at least, he must of cared a little. Even if he ought not to.

It hurt, for some reason she couldn't place though. All of this. So she pushed off him then, going to stand up. She swayed for a moment, trying to get her bearings.

He's not confused, he just doesn't want to give her advice that she can't decide if she should trust or not. Would it be better if he had said "trust me"? He could say that and then do horrible things to abuse her trust. Lavi couldn't do that, trust him only as far as you can throw him or a ball. It's her choice.

Lavi helps her stand up, "Do you need help getting to your room?"

She didn't know what she wanted right now, from anyone. This place, and people here confused her so much, it left her at more of a loss then she was care to admit. All of them. It made her want to scream and cry until something made sense again. Though that was too childish for words.

"If you want to offer me your arm, I wouldn't say no." It was him or the wall at this point.

Lavi gets to his feet without a word and offers Elizabeth his arm like she requested. "Your sewing should be alright down here, I do not think many others know the practice anyway."