You need to choose a 'now' sometime, Lavi. And that's just their life, as Exorcists. Once someone falls, they fall and can't be saved. Best to end it yourself before more damage can be done. It's why Kanda immersed himself into anger whenever he fought Alma; he didn't want to think, just saw to it that he could rest. And since Allen decided to jump in you know that didn't end well.

Welp, good thing this is all....in...his head. Or something to that extent.

You would be stupid to think that, you know. It's impossible for someone to stay for almost four years and not be missed. Should he ever find Allen, you're next on his list since the Order is incapable of sparing any of the others.

Everyone does, now. Well, for the ones that are left, anyway. Ones that don't have the time, like the both of them and bitty Alma. Who knows what the world has in store for the older one.

"Survive." Kanda gives a shrug, "I don't have anything else, as it is now. Not really."