She can't help but treasure that. It was something she'd lost in a slow slide. It hurt her strangely, to see those in a past position, to see them become as she was. "Don't we all, that have a duty to fill? But you have one, Lavi, and I have every faith in you that you will do it well."
She shook her head. "No, you should. You must. Don't--" she fumbled at the words, leaning her head back down again, against his shoulder as she tried to find what she wanted to say. "When I make mistakes, people die. Hundreds of people. It's my fault." The tears stung in her eyes, thinking of it. "Every person burned, every boy that is dead on a battle field. But it's because of my heart, that I can learn to be better, and want to. Fear has it's place, of course, I do not want to be beheaded. But I do not want people to die for me, even when I ask them too, and must ask them too." She closed her eyes tightly, trying to block out the boys face that stared at her, and the guilt racked her again.
"That's what I was told, to rule supreme, I must be touched by nothing. By extension, that I must love nothing but my duty." That was all that was safe to love any more. "I don't want to. I suspect... even without you telling me what is to happen. I am going to be alone for the rest of my days, it scares me." That bone grating loneliness without anyone else's affection, especially given what she had. "So have a heart, for my sake. Have a heart when you write of fools like me, my lord. Record us as we are, not as we like to be, all of it. It's the only justice we have for our lives. The only vindication or punishment for that which we suffer for, and make others suffer in kind. You do us kindness, you do everyone us so, every King's whore, every bastard child." She wasn't even sure any of that makes sense, it was just a tumult of thoughts, because she'd spent so much time on thinking what she had to do. Babbling every bit of feeling she had on her duty at him. Nonsense no doubt from the alcohol.
"You'll enjoy fighting with her no doubt, she seems very capable, or at least as far as I can tell. I'm hardly the best judge." She shrugged, distracted slightly.
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She shook her head. "No, you should. You must. Don't--" she fumbled at the words, leaning her head back down again, against his shoulder as she tried to find what she wanted to say. "When I make mistakes, people die. Hundreds of people. It's my fault." The tears stung in her eyes, thinking of it. "Every person burned, every boy that is dead on a battle field. But it's because of my heart, that I can learn to be better, and want to. Fear has it's place, of course, I do not want to be beheaded. But I do not want people to die for me, even when I ask them too, and must ask them too." She closed her eyes tightly, trying to block out the boys face that stared at her, and the guilt racked her again.
"That's what I was told, to rule supreme, I must be touched by nothing. By extension, that I must love nothing but my duty." That was all that was safe to love any more. "I don't want to. I suspect... even without you telling me what is to happen. I am going to be alone for the rest of my days, it scares me." That bone grating loneliness without anyone else's affection, especially given what she had. "So have a heart, for my sake. Have a heart when you write of fools like me, my lord. Record us as we are, not as we like to be, all of it. It's the only justice we have for our lives. The only vindication or punishment for that which we suffer for, and make others suffer in kind. You do us kindness, you do everyone us so, every King's whore, every bastard child." She wasn't even sure any of that makes sense, it was just a tumult of thoughts, because she'd spent so much time on thinking what she had to do. Babbling every bit of feeling she had on her duty at him. Nonsense no doubt from the alcohol.
"You'll enjoy fighting with her no doubt, she seems very capable, or at least as far as I can tell. I'm hardly the best judge." She shrugged, distracted slightly.