[Maybe. It helped Kanda deal, having everyone here. Moreso when they came back, though... it definitely hurt more when they left again. That's probably what he hasn't recovered from.
He still feels guilty, though. He did absolutely nothing to help Lenalee, he was so focused on trying to get back at Rhode that he had forgotten who really needed him. She was like a little sister to him, and all he did was make a complete fool of himself, with zero concern or...anything toward the others in the Order. He knows that now, when it's too late to tell her or Allen that he's sorry. Sorry for everything...
They might be the stronger of the four emotionally, but at this rate...who knows how long the walls would last. Kanda's own walls started crumbling when Allen first left, and with every departure since, it just gets chipped away at. Who knows if it's even possible to build the walls back up at this point. Probably not. It's been way too long, they've been here too long for that to happen.
(Maybe if they were living in Credinta, instead, it would be different.)
Kanda...has probably, not even once, felt true happiness. It's always been a sadistic twist, for him, courtesy of the organization he was created to fight for. Enough of a twist, at least, where he was still left feeling a form of satisfaction when something was done or happened. He at least knows what that feels like.
Watching from a device doesn't really cut it for Kanda. It leaves him feeling empty, and as he is now...it's really the last thing he needs. He used to go back and read/watch/listen to everyone's posts to the network when he was really missing them, but now he doesn't. The last thing he needs is to find himself falling back into depression when he's been trying to fight against that. All he had done, then, was drink alcohol. Which was...definitely not the healthiest way to go about it.
He wasn't a drunkard. He wasn't Cross, dammit. So when he had seen that Alma had gotten rid of all of it, he snapped himself out of it. Cold turkey. This was his last body, with limited time left, it was...
He was being so childish and stupid. Who's to say how well his organs have been holding up, with his body slowly cracking and turning to stone. The last thing he honestly needs is to crumble and die of kidney failure and, well, crumbling. (He really was deathly afraid of that being the way he permanently goes.)
The projects, the little things left behind... It's not the job they were charged with, but...] It works well enough for now.
[It's still something to do. Something to focus on, even for a brief amount of time. It's better than sitting around and brooding and moping and thinking about things he can't change here. Thinking about people he can't bring back, about things he should have done, how he shouldn't have acted the way he did toward x or during x situation...
He was tired of thinking. He just wanted to do, to act. He couldn't even imagine what Lavi must be going through, being a Bookman with absolutely nothing to record.
When Lavi doesn't let go of his hand, Kanda glances down at it before he's lead back to the stairs. He isn't going anywhere, but...
no subject
He still feels guilty, though. He did absolutely nothing to help Lenalee, he was so focused on trying to get back at Rhode that he had forgotten who really needed him. She was like a little sister to him, and all he did was make a complete fool of himself, with zero concern or...anything toward the others in the Order. He knows that now, when it's too late to tell her or Allen that he's sorry. Sorry for everything...
They might be the stronger of the four emotionally, but at this rate...who knows how long the walls would last. Kanda's own walls started crumbling when Allen first left, and with every departure since, it just gets chipped away at. Who knows if it's even possible to build the walls back up at this point. Probably not. It's been way too long, they've been here too long for that to happen.
(Maybe if they were living in Credinta, instead, it would be different.)
Kanda...has probably, not even once, felt true happiness. It's always been a sadistic twist, for him, courtesy of the organization he was created to fight for. Enough of a twist, at least, where he was still left feeling a form of satisfaction when something was done or happened. He at least knows what that feels like.
Watching from a device doesn't really cut it for Kanda. It leaves him feeling empty, and as he is now...it's really the last thing he needs. He used to go back and read/watch/listen to everyone's posts to the network when he was really missing them, but now he doesn't. The last thing he needs is to find himself falling back into depression when he's been trying to fight against that. All he had done, then, was drink alcohol. Which was...definitely not the healthiest way to go about it.
He wasn't a drunkard. He wasn't Cross, dammit. So when he had seen that Alma had gotten rid of all of it, he snapped himself out of it. Cold turkey. This was his last body, with limited time left, it was...
He was being so childish and stupid. Who's to say how well his organs have been holding up, with his body slowly cracking and turning to stone. The last thing he honestly needs is to crumble and die of kidney failure and, well, crumbling. (He really was deathly afraid of that being the way he permanently goes.)
The projects, the little things left behind... It's not the job they were charged with, but...] It works well enough for now.
[It's still something to do. Something to focus on, even for a brief amount of time. It's better than sitting around and brooding and moping and thinking about things he can't change here. Thinking about people he can't bring back, about things he should have done, how he shouldn't have acted the way he did toward x or during x situation...
He was tired of thinking. He just wanted to do, to act. He couldn't even imagine what Lavi must be going through, being a Bookman with absolutely nothing to record.
When Lavi doesn't let go of his hand, Kanda glances down at it before he's lead back to the stairs. He isn't going anywhere, but...
... Just this once, Lavi.]